How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents