One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
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#parenting
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.