Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
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[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.