The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Food gives you energy to nap more.