3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
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Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
absolute chaos
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.