Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
You Might Also Like
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Single and childfree like Jesus
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”