If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
*watches the world burn*
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves