*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
You Might Also Like
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I have no passwords left in me
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.