When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
You Might Also Like
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Did I do this right