If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.