I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.