The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.