Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.