[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Called it
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Just parrot things
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!