I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*