NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
okay run it by me one more time
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Breaking news:
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.