Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.