Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Many hands make light work
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.