Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.