Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
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Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.