[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
You Might Also Like
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.