Ladies, why y’all do this?
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I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*