“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
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5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
my fav colour is also hitler
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face