Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
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Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?