Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
This is my pinned tweet
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above