some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
You Might Also Like
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?