MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.