I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
This is my favorite one of these!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Well, this explains it:
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.