Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
The second world war should have been called world war returns
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
This is painfully accurate 😅
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.