I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Miscakes
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”