me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?