Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird