My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
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THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.