ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-