Hello, my name is Pierre.
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.