hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
What an awful time to have common sense.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”