Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I bet
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!