[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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ok like just. call me at this point
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Anyone want a chair?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken