Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
That time Alicia messaged me
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.