You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.