I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
You Might Also Like
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Anime is real
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.