My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
good morning
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.