My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
You Might Also Like
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk