[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances