The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Dishonest mechanic?