I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Does beer think about me too?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.