BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
called in thicc to work this morning
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.