I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
How I’d get arrested…
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.