Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Saturday
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Why is everyone getting married at me
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.