WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Hank is one in a melon.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.